ALL.Oh, man of learning!
QUARTETTE
JUDGE.A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit:
COUNSEL.And at this stage, it don't appear That we can settle it.
DEFENDANT (in Witness-box).
If I to wed the girl am loth A breach 'twill surely be--PLAINTIFF.And if he goes and marries both, It counts as Burglaree!
ALL.A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit.
DUET -- PLAINTIFF and DEFENDANT
PLAINTIFF (embracing him rapturously)
I love him--I love him--with fervour unceasing I worship and madly adore;My blind adoration is ever increasing, My loss I shall ever deplore.
Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressing I've lost, and remember it, pray, When you I'm addressing, are busy assessing The damages Edwin must pay---Yes, he must pay!
DEFENDANT (repelling her furiously)
I smoke like a furnace--I'm always in liquor, A ruffian--a bully--a sot;I'm sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her, I am such a very bad lot!
I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing, She couldn't endure me a day!
Recall my professing, when you are assessing The damages Edwin must pay!
PLAINTIFF.Yes, he must pay!
[She clings to him passionately; after a struggle, he throws her off into arms of Counsel.
JURY.We would be fairly acting, But this is most distracting!
If, when in liquor he would kick her, That is an abatement.
RECIT -- JUDGE
The question, gentlemen--is one of liquor.
You ask for guidance--this is my reply:
He says, when tipsy, he would thrash and kick her.
Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!
COUNSEL.With all respect, I do object!
PLAINTIFF.I do object!
DEFENDANT.I don't object!
ALL.With all respect We do object!
JUDGE (tossing his books and paper about)All the legal furies seize you!
No proposal seems to please you, I can't sit up here all day, I must shortly get away.
Barristers, and you, attorneys, Set out on your homeward journeys;Gentle, simple-minded Usher, Get you, if you like, to Russher;Put your briefs upon the shelf, I will marry her myself!
[He comes down from Bench to floor of Court.He embraces Angelina.
FINALE
PLAINTIFF.Oh, joy unbounded, With wealth surrounded, The knell is sounded Of grief and woe.
COUNSEL.With love devoted On you he's doated, To castle moated Away they go.
DEFENDANT.I wonder whether They'll live together, In marriage tether In manner true?
USHER.It seems to me, sir, Of such as she, sir, A Judge is he, sir, And a good Judge, too!
JUDGE.Yes, I am a Judge!
ALL.And a good Judge, too!
JUDGE.Yes, I am a Judge!
ALL.And a good Judge, too!
JUDGE.Though homeward as you trudge, You declare my law is fudge.
Yet of beauty I'm a judge.
ALL.And a good Judge too!
JUDGE.Though defendant is a snob,ALL.And a great snob, too!
JUDGE.Though defendant is a snob,ALL.And a great snob, too!
JUDGE.Though defendant is a snob, I'll reward him from his fob.
So we've settled with the job,ALL.And a good job, too!
DanceCURTAIN
UTOPIA LIMITED
OR
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan Libretto by William S.Gilbert DRAMATIS PERSONAEKing Paramount, the First (King of Utopia)Scaphio and Phantis (Judges of the Utopian Supreme Court)Tarara (The Public Exploder)Calynx (The Utopian Vice-Chamberlain)
Imported Flowers of Progress:
Lord Dramaleigh (a British Lord Chamberlain)Captain Fitzbattleaxe (First Life Guards)Captain Sir Edward Corcoran, K.C.B.(of the Royal Navy)Mr.Goldbury (a company promoter; afterwards Comptroller of the Utopian Household)Sir Bailey Barre, Q.C., M.P.
Mr.Blushington (of the County Council)
The Princess Zara (eldest daughter of King Paramount)The Princesses Nekaya and Kalyba (her Younger Sisters)The Lady Sophy (their English Gouvernante)Utopian Maidens:
Salata Melene PhyllaACT I
A Utopian Palm GroveACT II
Throne Room in King Paramount's Palace First produced at the Savoy Theatre on October 7, 1893.
ACT I.
OPENING CHORUS.
In lazy languor--motionless, We lie and dream of nothingness;For visions come From Poppydom Direct at our command:
Or, delicate alternative, In open idleness we live, With lyre and lute And silver flute, The life of Lazyland.
SOLO - Phylla.
The song of birds In ivied towers;
The rippling play Of waterway;
The lowing herds;
The breath of flowers;
The languid loves Of turtle doves--
These simply joys are all at hand Upon thy shores, O Lazyland!
(Enter Calynx)
Calynx: Good news! Great news! His Majesty's eldest daughter, Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since to go to England--the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest country in the world--has taken a high degree at Girton, and is on her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery over all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious country to her present pre-eminent position among civilized nations!
Salata: Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be completely Angli-cized?
Calynx: Absolutely and without a doubt.
Melene: (lazily) We are very well as we are.Life without a care--every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch, who, despot though he be, has no other thought than to make his people happy--what have we to gain by the great change that is in store for us?
Salata: What have we to gain? English institutions, English tastes, and oh, English fashions!
Calynx: England has made herself what she is because, in that fa-vored land, every one has to think for himself.Here we have no need to think, because our monarch anticipates all our wants, and our political opinions are formed for us by the journals to which we subscribe.Oh, think how much more brilliant this dialogue would have been, if we had been accustomed to exercise our reflective powers! They say that in England the conversation of the very meanest is a corus-cation of impromptu epigram!
(Enter Tarara in a great rage)
Tarara: Lalabalele talala! Callabale lalabalica falahle!
Calynx: (horrified) Stop--stop, I beg! (All the ladies close their ears.)Tarara: Callamalala galalate! Caritalla lalabalee kallalale poo!
Ladies: Oh, stop him! stop him!