Calynx: My lord, I'm surprised at you.Are you not aware that His Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the emphatic wish of his people, has ordered that the Utopian language shall be banished from his court, and that all communications shall henceforward be made in the English tongue?
Tarara: Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although--(suddenly present-ing an explosive "cracker").Stop--allow me.
Calynx: (pulls it).Now, what's that for?
Tarara: Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder to His Majesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must accus-tom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my duties.
Thank you.I was about to say that although, as Public Exploder, I am next in succession to the throne, Ineverthe-less do my best to fall in with the royal decree.But when I am overmastered by an indignant sense of overwhelming wrong, as I am now, I slip into my native tongue without knowing it.I am told that in the language of that great and pure nation, strong expressions do not exist, conse-quently when I want to let off steam I have no alternative but to say, "Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo!"Calynx: But what is your grievance?
Tarara: This--by our Constitution we are governed by a Despot who, although in theory absolute--is, in practice, nothing of the kind--being watched day and night by two Wise Men whose duty it is, on his very first lapse from political or social propriety, to denounce him to me, the Public Exploder, and it then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty with dynamite--allow me.(Presenting a cracker which Calynx pulls.) Thank you--and, as some compensation to my wounded feelings, I reign in his stead.
Calynx: Yes.After many unhappy experiments in the direction of an ideal Republic, it was found that what may be described as a Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, the most satisfactory description of ruler--an autocrat who dares not abuse his autocratic power.
Tarara: That's the theory--but in practice, how does it act?
Now, do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper? (producing a "Society" paper).
Calynx: Never even heard of the journal.
Tarara: I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents always buy up the whole edition; but I have an aunt in the publishing department, and she has supplied me with a copy.Well, it actually teems with circumstantially convincing details of the King's abominable immoralities! If this high-class journal may be believed, His Majesty is one of the most Heliogabalian profligates that ever disgraced an autocratic throne! And do these Wise Men denounce him to me? Not a bit of it! They wink at his immoralities! Under the cir-cumstances I really think I am justified in exclaiming "Lalabelele molola lililah kalabalale poo!" (All horri-fied.) I don't care--the occasion demands it.(Exit Tarara)(March.Enter Guard, escorting Scaphio and Phantis.)CHORUS.
O make way for the Wise Men!
They are the prizemen--
Double-first in the world's university!
For though lovely this island (Which is my land), She has no one to match them in her city.
They're the pride of Utopia--
Cornucopia Is each his mental fertility.
O they make no blunder, And no wonder, For they're triumphs of infallibility.
DUET -- Scaphio and Phantis.
In every mental lore (The statement smacks of vanity)We claim to rank before The wisest of humanity.
As gifts of head and heart We wasted on "utility,"We're "cast" to play a part Of great responsibility.
Our duty is to spy Upon our King's illicites, And keep a watchful eye On all his eccentricities.
If ever a trick he tries That savours of rascality, At our decree he dies Without the least formality.
We fear no rude rebuff, Or newspaper publicity;Our word is quite enough, The rest is electricity.
A pound of dynamite Explodes in his auriculars;It's not a pleasant sight--We'll spare you the particulars.
Its force all men confess, The King needs no admonishing--We may say its success Is something quite astonishing.
Our despot it imbues With virtues quite delectable, He minds his P's and Q's,--And keeps himself respectable.
Of a tyrant polite He's paragon quite.
He's as modest and mild In his ways as a child;And no one ever met With an autocrat yet, So delightfully bland To the least in the land!
So make way for the wise men, etc.
(Exeunt all but Scaphio and Phantis.Phantis is pensive.)Scaphio: Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberant spirits.
What is wrong?
Phantis: Scaphio, I think you once told me that you have never loved?
Scaphio: Never! I have often marvelled at the fairy influence which weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest and wisest of our race; but I thank Heaven I have never been subjected to its singular fascination.For, oh, Phantis!
there is that within me that tells me that when my time does come, the convulsion will be tremendous! When I love, it will be with the accumulated fervor of sixty-six years!
But I have an ideal--a semi-transparent Being, filled with an inorganic pink jelly--and I have never yet seen the woman who approaches within measurable distance of it.All are opaque--opaque--opaque!
Phantis: Keep that ideal firmly before you, and love not until you find her.Though but fifty-five, I am an old campaigner in the battle-fields of Love; and, believe me, it is better to be as you are, heart-free and happy, than as Iam--eternally racked with doubting agonies! Scaphio, the Princess Zara returns from England today!
Scaphio: My poor boy, I see it all.
Phantis: Oh! Scaphio, she is so beautiful.Ah! you smile, for you have never seen her.She sailed for England three months before you took office.
Scaphio: Now tell me, is your affection requited?
Phantis: I do not know--I am not sure.Sometimes I think it is, and then come these torturing doubts! I feel sure that she does not regard me with absolute indifference, for she could never look at me without having to go to bed with a sick headache.