DUCH.At middle-class party I play at ecarte--And I'm by no means a beginner--DUKE (significantly).She's not a beginner.
DUCH.To one of my station The remuneration--Five guineas a night and my dinner--DUKE.And wine with her dinner.
DUCH.I write letters blatant On medicines patent--And use any other you mustn't--DUKE.Believe me, you mustn't--DUCH.And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap--which it doesn't--DUKE.(significantly).It certainly doesn't!
DUKE.We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment--DUCH.A place or preferment.
DUCH.We're often in waiting At junket or feting, And sometimes attend an interment--DUKE.We enjoy an interment.
BOTH.In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches--Yes; into your clutches.
Or hoodwink a debtor, You cannot do betterDUCH.Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess--DUKE.A Duke or a Duchess!
(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.)
DUKE.Ah! Their Majesties.Your Majesty! (Bows with great ceremony.)MAR.The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe?
DUKE.The same.(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with him.The Duke bows ceremoniously.They endeavour to imitate him.) Allow me to present--GIU.The young lady one of us married?
(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her.Casilda curtsies formally.They endeavour to imitate her.)CAS.Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of you.(Aside.) Oh, Luiz!
DUKE.I am now about to address myself to the gentleman whom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention to wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern him.Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady who had not the good fortune to be my daughter.There is some little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing, and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still addressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she make you happier than her mother has made me."DUCH.Sir!
DUKE.If possible.And now there is a little matter to which I think I am entitled to take exception.I come here in state with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty my daughter, and what do I find? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour to receive me? No!
MAR.and GIU.No.
DUKE.The town illuminated? No!
MAR.and GIU.No.
DUKE.Refreshment provided? No!
MAR.and GIU.No.
DUKE.A Royal salute fired? No!
MAR.and GIU.No.
DUKE.Triumphal arches erected? No!
MAR.and GIU.No.
DUKE.The bells set ringing?
MAR.and GIU.No.
DUKE.Yes--one--the Visitors', and I rang it myself.It is not enough! It is not enough!
GIU.Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but you see, I was brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined to taking off my cap to my passengers when they tip me.
DUCH.That's all very well in its way, but it is not enough.
GIU.I'll take off anything else in reason.
DUKE.But a Royal Salute to my daughter--it costs so little.
CAS.Papa, I don't want a salute.
GIU.My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is entitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as she likes.
MAR.As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you don't know our people--they wouldn't stand it.
GIU.They are very off-hand with us--very off-hand indeed.
DUKE.Oh, but you mustn't allow that--you must keep them in proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your importance.You want deportment--carriage--GIU.We've got a carriage.
DUKE.Manner--dignity.There must be a good deal of this sort of thing--(business)--and a little of this sort of thing--(business)--and possibly just a Soupcon of this sort of thing!--(business)--and so on.Oh, it's very useful, and most effective.Just attend to me.You are a King--I am a subject.
Very good--
(Gavotte.)
DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE.
DUKE.I am a courtier grave and serious Who is about to kiss your hand:
Try to combine a pose imperious With a demeanour nobly bland.
MAR.and Let us combine a pose imperious GIU.With a demeanour nobly bland.
(Marco and Giuseppe endeavour to carry out his instructions.)DUKE.That's, if anything, too unbending--Too aggressively stiff and grand;(They suddenly modify their attitudes.)
Now to the other extreme you're tending--Don't be so deucedly condescending!
DUCH.and Now to the other extreme you're tending--CAS.Don't be so dreadfully condescending!
MAR.and Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem!
GIU.At first, if anything, too unbending;Off we go to the other extreme--Too confoundedly condescending!
DUKE.Now a gavotte perform sedately--Offer your hand with conscious pride;Take an attitude not too stately, Still sufficiently dignified.
MAR.and Now for an attitude not too stately, GIU.Still sufficiently dignified.
(They endeavour to carry out his instructions.)DUKE (beating Oncely, twicely--oncely, twicely--time).Bow impressively ere you glide.
(They do so.)
Capital both, capital both--you've caught it nicely!
That is the style of thing precisely!
DUCH.andCapital both, capital both--they've caught it nicely!
CAS.That is the style of thing precisely!
MAR.and Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise!
GIU.Capital both, capital both--we've caught it nicely!
Supposing he's right in what he says, This is the style of thing precisely!
(Gavotte.At the end exeunt Duke and Duchess, leaving Casilda with Marco and Giuseppe.)GIU.(to Marco).The old birds have gone away and left the young chickens together.That's called tact.
MAR.It's very awkward.We really ought to tell her how we are situated.It's not fair to the girl.
GIU.Then why don't you do it?
MAR.I'd rather not--you.
GIU.I don't know how to begin.(To Casilda.)Er--Madam--I--we, that is, several of us--CAS.Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you; but it is right to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, Iam over head and ears in love with somebody else.