He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons, And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake;Now what in the world's to become of the parsons, And what of the artist who sugars the cake?
In short, you will see from the facts that I'm showing, The state of the case is exceedingly sad;If Thespis's people go on as they're going, Olympus will certainly go to the bad.
From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it, All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk, A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet, Couldn't find people less fit for their work.
[enter Thespis L.U.E.]
THES.Sillimon, you can retire.
SILL.Sir, I--
THES.Don't pretend you can't when I say you can.I've seen you do it--go.[exit Sillimon bowing extravagantly.Thespis imitates him]Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today.
MER.One year today.How do you like ruling the world?
THES.Like it.Why it's as straightforward as possible.Why there hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here.Lor'
the airs you gods and goddesses give yourselves are perfectly sickening.Why it's mere child's play.
MER.Very simple isn't it?
THES.Simple? Why I could do it on my head.
MER.Ah--I darsay you will do it on your head very soon.
THES.What do you mean by that, Mercury?
MER.I mean that when you've turned the world quite topsy-turvy you won't know whether you're standing on your head or your heels.
THES.Well, but Mercury, it's all right at present.
MER.Oh yes--as far as we know.
THES.Well, but, you know, we know as much as anybody knows; you know I believe the world's still going on.
MER.Yes--as far as we can judge--much as usual.
THES.Well, the, give the Father of the Drama his due Mercury.
Don't be envious of the Father of the Drama.
MER.But you see you leave so much to accident.
THES.Well, Mercury, if I do, it's my principle.I am an easy man, and I like to make things as pleasant as possible.What did I do the day we took office? Why I called the company together and I said to them: "Here we are, you know, gods and goddesses, no mistake about it, the real thing.Well, we have certain duties to discharge, let's discharge them intelligently.Don't let us be hampered by routine and red tape and precedent, let's set the original gods an example, and put a liberal interpretation on our duties.If it occurs to any one to try an experiment in his own department, let him try it, if he fails there's no harm done, if he succeeds it is a distinct gain to society.Don't hurry your work, do it slowly and well." And here we are after a twelvemonth and not a single complaint or a single petition has reached me.
MER.No, not yet.
THES.What do you mean by "no,not yet?"
MER.Well, you see, you don't understand things.All the petitions that are addressed by men to Jupiter pass through my hands, and its my duty to collect them and present them once a year.
THES.Oh, only once a year?
MER.Only once a year--
THES.And the year is up?
MER.Today.
THES.Oh, then I suppose there are some complaints?
MER.Yes, there are some.
THES.[Disturbed] Oh, perhaps there are a good many?
MER.There are a good many.
THES.Oh, perhaps there are a thundering lot?
MER.There are a thundering lot.
THES.[very much disturbed] Oh.
MER.You see you've been taking it so very easy--and so have most of your company.
THES.Oh, who has been taking it easy?
MER.Well, all except those who have been trying experiments.
THES.Well but I suppose the experiment are ingenious?
MER.Yes; they are ingenious, but on the whole ill-judged.But it's time go and summon your court.
THES.What for.
MER.To hear the complaints.In five minutes they will be here.
[Exit]
THES.[very uneasy] I don't know how it is, but there is something in that young man's manner that suggests that the father of the gods has been taking it too easy.Perhaps it would have been better if I hadn't given my company so much scope.Iwonder what they've been doing.I think I will curtail their discretion, though none of them appear to have much of the article.It seems a pity to deprive 'em of what little they have.
[Enter Daphne, weeping]
THES.Now then, Daphne, what's the matter with you?
DAPH.Well, you know how disgracefully Sparkeion--THES.[correcting her] Apollo--DAPH.Apollo, then--has treated me.He promised to marry me years ago and now he's married to Nicemis.
THES.Now look here.I can't go into that.You're in Olympus now and must behave accordingly.Drop your Daphne--assume your Calliope.
DAPH.Quite so.That's it.[mysteriously]
THES.Oh--that is it? [puzzled]
DAPH.That is it.Thespis.I am Calliope, the muse of fame.
Very good.This morning I was in the Olympian library and I took down the only book there.Here it is.
THES.[taking it] Lempriere's Classical Dictionary.The Olympian Peerage.
DAPH.Open it at Apollo.
THES.[opens it] It is done.
DAPH.Read.
THES."Apollo was several times married, among others to Issa, Bolina, Coronis, Chymene, Cyrene, Chione, Acacallis, and Calliope."DAPH.And Calliope.
THES.[musing] Ha.I didn't know he was married to them.
DAPH.[severely] Sir.This is the family edition.
THES.Quite so.
DAPH.You couldn't expect a lady to read any other?
THES.On no consideration.But in the original version--DAPH.I go by the family edition.
THES.Then by the family edition, Apollo is your husband.
[Enter Nicemis and Sparkeion]
NICE.Apollo your husband? He is my husband.
DAPH.I beg your pardon.He is my husband.
NICE.Apollo is Sparkeion, and he's married to me.
DAPH.Sparkeion is Apollo, and he's married to me.
NICE.He is my husband.
DAPH.He's your brother.
THES.Look here, Apollo, whose husband are you? Don't let's have any row about it; whose husband are you?
SPAR.Upon my honor I don't know.I'm in a very delicate position, but I'll fall in with any arrangement Thespis may propose.
DAPH.I've just found out that he's my husband and yet he goes out every evening with that "thing."THES.Perhaps he's trying an experiment.
DAPH.I don't like my husband to make such experiments.The question is, who are we all and what is our relation to each other.