NICE.It's her affectionate habit to describe everybody in those terms.I am more particular, but still even I am bound to admit that you are certainly a very dear old thing.
SILL.Deputy Venus says I'm a dear old thing, and Deputy Diana who is much more particular, endorses it.Who could be severe with such deputy divinities.
PRET.Do you know, I'm going to ask you a favour.
SILL.Venus is going to ask me a favour.
PRET.You see, I am Venus.
SILL.No one who saw your face would doubt it.
NICE.[aside] No one who knew her character would.
PRET.Well Venus, you know, is married to Mars.
SILL.To Vulcan, my dear, to Vulcan.The exact connubial relation of the different gods and goddesses is a point on which we must be extremely particular.
PRET.I beg your pardon--Venus is married to Mars.
NICE.If she isn't married to Mars, she ought to be.
SILL.Then that decides it--call it married to Mars.
PRET.Married to Vulcan or married to Mars, what does it signify?
SILL.My dear, it's a matter on which I have no personal feeling whatever.
PRET.So that she is married to someone.
SILL.Exactly.So that she is married to someone.Call it married to Mars.
PRET.Now here's my difficulty.Presumptios takes the place of Mars, and Presumptios is my father.
SILL.Then why object to Vulcan?
PRET.Because Vulcan is my grandfather.
SILL.But, my dear, what an objection.You are playing a part till the real gods return.That's all.Whether you are supposed to be married to your father--or your grandfather, what does it matter? This passion for realism is the curse of the stage.
PRET.That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a part that has already lasted a twelvemonth, when I have to make love to my father.It interferes with my conception of the characters.It spoils the part.
SILL.Well, well.I'll see what can be done.[Exit Pretteia, L.U.E.) That's always the way with beginners, they've no imaginative power.A true artist ought to be superior to such considerations.[Nicemis comes down R.] Well, Nicemis, I should say, Diana, what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?
NICE.Oh, immensely.It's great fun.
SILL.Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?
NICE.Oh, but I'm not alone all night.
SILL.But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but who accompanies you?
NICE.Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.
SILL.Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo [enter Sparkeion] He's the sun, you know.
NICE.Of course he is.I should catch my death of cold, in the night air, if he didn't accompany me.
SPAR.My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady to be out alone all night.It wouldn't be respectable.
SILL.There's a good deal of truth in that.But still--the sun--at night--I don't like the idea.The original Diana always went out alone.
NICE.I hope the original Diana is no rule for me.After all, what does it matter?
SILL.To be sure--what does it matter?
SPAR.The sun at night, or in the daytime.
SILL.So that he shines.That's all that's necessary.[Exit Nicemis, R.U.E.] But poor Daphne, what will she say to this.
SPAR.Oh, Daphne can console herself; young ladies soon get over this sort of thing.Did you never hear of the young lady who was engaged to Cousin Robin?
SILL.Never.
SPAR.Then I'll sing it to you.
Little maid of Arcadee Sat on Cousin Robin's knee, Thought in form and face and limb, Nobody could rival him.
He was brave and she was fair, Truth they made a pretty paid.
Happy little maiden she--
Happy maid of Arcadee.
Moments fled as moments will Happily enough, until After, say, a month or two, Robin did as Robins do.
Weary of his lover's play, Jilted her and went away, Wretched little maiden, she--Wretched maid of Arcadee.
To her little home she crept, There she sat her down and wept, Maiden wept as maidens will--Grew so thin and pale--until Cousin Richard came to woo.
Then again the roses grew.
Happy little maiden she--
Happy maid of Arcadee.[Exit Sparkeion]
SILL.Well Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of us here.How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on the original gods--don't you?
MER.Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sides of the question; you are certainly younger than the original gods, and, therefore, more active.On the other hand, they are certainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience.
On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.
Olympus is now in a terrible muddle, The deputy deities all are at fault They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle And dickens a one of 'em's earning his salt.
For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder, Too nervous and timid--too easy and weak--Whenever he's called on to lighten or thunder, The thought of it keeps him awake for a week.
Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot.
When left in the dark he will quiver and quail;And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot, Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail.
Then Venus's freckles are very repelling, And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes;The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling, And scatters her h's all over the skies.
Then Pluto in kindhearted tenderness erring, Can't make up his mind to let anyone die--The Times has a paragraph ever recurring, "Remarkable incidence of longevity."On some it has some as a serious onus, to others it's quite an advantage--in short, While ev're life office declares a big bonus, The poor undertakers are all in the court.
Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade is To make men and women impartially smart, Will only shoot at pretty young ladies, And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart.
The results of this freak--or whatever you term it--Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace, While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit, Young ladies are popping all over the place.
This wouldn't much matter--for bashful and shymen, When skillfully handled are certain to fall, But, alas, that determined young bachelor Hymen Refuses to wed anybody at all.