“It’s also your way of keeping the conversation real and sincere，” my little sister said. “I can see it when you talk to my friends. You get straight to the core of the person， and you capture their attention so that they soak up every word you tell them.”
I‘ve learned to engage quickly by looking into the eyes of the people I meet and asking questions or making comments to find a common ground. Before back pains limited my huggability， one of my favorite ice breakers was to say， “Come and give me a hug.”
By inviting people to come close and make contact， I hoped to make them feel comfortable with me. Reaching out to others， bonding with them， finding a common ground are relationship skills that everyone should master. They determine how well we interact with those around us.
SKILL SETS
“People skills” is a widely used term but is rarely well defined. We all like to think we have great people skills， just like most of us are under the illusion that we are great drivers. My brother teases that I’m the world‘s worst backseat driver even though I’ve never had a legal driver‘s license. According to him， my people skills are a work in progress. Yours should be a work in progress too.
No one should take for granted skills that are critical to success and happiness. You can live a life without limits， but you can’t live a life without trusting relationships. That is why you should always self-monitor， assess， and work to develop and refine the ways in which you engage with those around you. Psychologists say that our ability to build bonds of trust and mutually supportive relationships depends on a few primary people skills. These include the ability to：
● Read emotions and moods
● Listen attentively to what others say and how they say it
● Assess， comprehend， and react to nonverbal signals from others
● Navigate any social setting or gathering
● Bond quickly with others
● Turn on the charm in any situation
● Practice tact and self-control
● Demonstrate care for others with actions
Now let‘s look at each of those basic people skills in more detail.
Taking a Read
Reading body language， tone of voice， facial expressions， and the look in someone’s eyes is a skill we all have to some degree. We really can‘t help but pick up these signals. Most people can even tell when someone is pretending to be angry but isn’t， or is faking pain just for attention. Psychologists say this skill improves as we age， and women are generally better at it than men. I wasn‘t surprised to learn that women with children are especially good at it. My mum could read me like a book. She often seemed to know before I did when I felt sick， hurt， frustrated， or sad.
Listening to Understand
This is what your parents were talking about when they said “God gave you just one mouth but He gave you two ears， so you should listen twice as much as you speak.” Too often we don’t listen to understand. Instead， we listen just enough so we can respond. To really connect， you have to take into account the feeling behind the words， not just the words themselves. I‘m no relationship expert， but I’ve seen my fellow men struggle with this. Women are known to be more intuitive and can become frustrated with men， who tend to be more literal. They tune in to the words rather than the emotions.
Get It and Go with It
It‘s one thing to listen and observe carefully， but it’s even more important to take what you hear and observe， accurately assess it， and then act upon it. The people who do this well tend to have the best relationships and to be high achievers in their work. It can also be an important survival skill. The New York Times reported a story about two American soldiers on patrol in Iraq who saw a parked car with two young boys inside. The windows were rolled up even though it was 120 degrees outside. One of the soldiers asked the other， his patrol sergeant， if he could offer the boys some water and took steps toward the car.
The sergeant looked at the entire scene around them and sensed danger. He ordered the patrol to fall back. Just as his soldier turned around， a bomb exploded inside the car. The two boys were killed. The soldier who wanted to help them was hit by shrapnel but survived.
Later the sergeant would recall that when he saw his soldier move toward the car， “My body got cooler； you know that danger feeling.” Other subtle clues had tweaked his antennae earlier. No shots had been fired at them that morning， which was unusual， and overall the streets had been quieter than they were on a typical day.
Studies of veteran soldiers have shown how they rely on their ability to quickly read and interpret their surroundings based on sensations， body language， or anomalies that “just don‘t fi t.” This is critical not just for relationships but for survival， for them and for us.
Work the Room
Knowing how to act appropriately and fit in—whether at a church social， a private country club， an employee picnic， or a simple dinner—is another important people skill. You have to respect where you are. When visiting foreign lands， I often ask my host or interpreter to help me understand local customs and traditions so that I don’t make a mistake that alienates my audience.
There are certain actions you do while dining at home that you should never do during meals in certain countries. In most places belching is considered the height of rudeness， but in some places a good raucous burp is considered a compliment to the chef. On a more serious note， there are topics you should avoid in certain settings. Mentioning old conflicts， politics， and in some cases， even religion can only lead to trouble.
But you can always find common ground for engaging with others. As I‘ve matured， I’ve learned that listening is the most valuable skill for engaging others， especially when you are “working the room” in a large crowd.
Bond Ability