We've a choice assortment of wishing-caps, divining-rods, amulets, charms, and counter-charms.We can cast you a nativity at a low figure, and we have a horoscope at three-and-six that we can guarantee.Our Abudah chests, each containing a patent Hag who comes out and prophesies disasters, with spring complete, are strongly recommended.Our Aladdin lamps are very chaste, and our Prophetic Tablets, foretelling everything--from a change of Ministry down to a rise in Unified--are much enquired for.Our penny Curse--one of the cheapest things in the trade--is considered infallible.We have some very superior Blessings, too, but they're very little asked for.We've only sold one since Christmas--to a gentleman who bought it to send to his mother-in-law--but it turned out that he was afflicted in the head, and it's been returned on our hands.But our sale of penny Curses, especially on Saturday nights, is tremendous.We can't turn 'em out fast enough.
SONG--MR.WELLS
Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"--If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax--
You've but to look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
We've a first-class assortment of magic;
And for raising a posthumous shade With effects that are comic or tragic, There's no cheaper house in the trade.
Love-philtre--we've quantities of it;
And for knowledge if any one burns, We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet Who brings us unbounded returns:
For he can prophesy With a wink of his eye, Peep with security Into futurity, Sum up your history, Clear up a mystery, Humour proclivity For a nativity--for a nativity;With mirrors so magical, Tetrapods tragical, Bogies spectacular, Answers oracular, Facts astronomical, Solemn or comical, And, if you want it, he Makes a reduction on taking a quantity!
Oh!
If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts Of ghosts, And that without reflectors;And creepy things With wings, And gaunt and grisly spectres.
He can fill you crowds Of shrouds, And horrify you vastly;He can rack your brains With chains, And gibberings grim and ghastly.
And then, if you plan it, he Changes organity, With an urbanity, Full of Satanity, Vexes humanity With an inanity Fatal to vanity--Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology, In demonology, 'Lectro-biology, Mystic nosology, Spirit philology, High-class astrology, Such is his knowledge, he Isn't the man to require an apology!
Oh!
My name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very important matter.I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-first-sight Philtre?
WELLS Sir, it is our leading article.(Producing a phial.)ALEXIS Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your advertisement?
WELLS Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods.
Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection, and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully realized.(Hurt)ALINE (aside) Oh, Alexis, don't offend him! He'll change us into something dreadful--I know he will!
ALEXIS I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this village.I shall of course require a quantity.How do you sell it?
WELLS In buying a quantity, sir, we should strongly advise your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to want it.We have it in four-and-a-half and nine gallon casks--also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct 10 per cent from prompt cash.
ALEXIS I should mention that I am a Member of the Army andNavy Stores.
WELLS In that case we deduct 25 percent.
ALEXIS Aline, the villagers will assemble to carouse in a few minutes.Go and fetch the tea-pot.
ALINE But, Alexis--
ALEXIS My dear, you must obey me, if you please.Go and fetch the teapot.
ALINE (going) I'm sure Dr.Daly would disapprove of it!
(Exit Aline.)
ALEXIS And how soon does it take effect?
WELLS In twelve hours.Whoever drinks of it loses consciousness for that period, and on waking falls in love, as a matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also tasted it, and his affection is at once returned.One trial will prove the fact.
Enter Aline with large tea-potALEXIS Good: then, Mr.Wells, I shall feel obliged if you will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will suffice to affect the whole village.
ALINE But bless me, Alexis, many of the villages are married people!
WELLS Madam, this philtre is compounded on the strictest principles.On married people it has no effect whatever.But are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you through the fearful ordeal?
ALEXIS In the good cause I fear nothing.
WELLS Very good, then, we will proceed at once to the Incantation.
The stage grows dark.
INCANTATION
WELLS.Sprites of earth and air--Fiends of flame and fire--
Demon souls, Come here in shoals, This dreaded deed inspire!
Appear, appear, appear.
MALE VOICES.Good master, we are here!
WELLS.Noisome hags of night--Imps of deadly shade--
Pallid ghosts, Arise in hosts, And lend me all your aid.
Appear, appear, appear!
FEMALE VOICES.Good master, we are here!
ALEXIS.(aside)Hark, they assemble, These fiends of the night!
ALINE.(aside)Oh Alexis, I tremble, Seek safety in flight!
ARIA - ALINE