POOH.Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?
KO.Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.
POOH.Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
KO.It will be a ready-money transaction.
POOH.(Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline.
(Aloud.) Very good.Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it!
(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?
NANK.But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum----KO.Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum.(Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again.(Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is.
Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?
YUM.Not particularly.
KO.You've five minutes to spare?
YUM.Yes.
KO.Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu;he'll marry you at once.
YUM.But if I'm to be buried alive?
KO.Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-Poo will explain all.
NANK.But one moment----
KO.Not for worlds.Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I've beheaded you.(Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
March.--Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.
Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.
("March of the Mikado's troops.")
CHORUS.Miya sama, miya sama, On n'm-ma no maye ni Pira-Pira suru no wa Nan gia na Toko tonyare tonyare na?
DUET--MIKADO and KATISHA.
MIK.From every kind of man Obedience I expect;I'm the Emperor of Japan--KAT.And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!
He'll marry his son (He's only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK.My morals have been declared Particularly correct;KAT.But they're nothing at all, compared With those of his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL.Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect.
MIK.In a fatherly kind of way I govern each tribe and sect, All cheerfully own my sway--KAT.Except his daughter-in-law elect!
As tough as a bone, With a will of her own, Is his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK.My nature is love and light--My freedom from all defect--
KAT.Is insignificant quite, Compared with his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL.Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
SONG--MIKADO and CHORUS.
A more humane Mikado never Did in Japan exist, To nobody second, I'm certainly reckoned A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour To make, to some extent, Each evil liver A running river Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time--To let the punishment fit the crime--The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore, Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies All desire to shirk, Shall, during off-hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figure, Is painted with vigour With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window-panes, We only suffer To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS.His object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies With tales of countless cures, His teeth, I've enacted, Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series Of masses and fugues and "ops"By Bach, interwoven With Spohr and Beethoven, At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp who any one catches, His doom's extremely hard--He's made to dwell--In a dungeon cell On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls On a cloth untrue With a twisted cue And elliptical billiard balls!
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS.His object all sublime, etc.
Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing.All kneel(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)KO.I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your Majesty.I guess the object of your Majesty's visit--your wishes have been attended to.The execution has taken place.
MIK.Oh, you've had an execution, have you?
KO.Yes.The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
POOH.I am the Coroner.(Ko-Ko hands certificate to Mikado.)MIK.And this is the certificate of his death.(Reads.)"At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front----"POOH.They were all present, your Majesty.I counted them myself.
MIK.Very good house.I wish I'd been in time for the performance.
KO.A tough fellow he was, too--a man of gigantic strength.
His struggles were terrific.It was a remarkable scene.
MIK.Describe it.
TRIO and CHORUS.
KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.
KO.The criminal cried, as he dropped him down, In a state of wild alarm--With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown, I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail, And on his knees fell he, As he squirmed and struggled, And gurgled and guggled, I drew my snickersnee!
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry, Or the shriek that shrieked he, As I gnashed my teeth, When from its sheath I drew my snickersnee!
CHORUS.
We know him well, He cannot tell Untrue or groundless tales--He always tries To utter lies, And every time he fails.
PITTI.He shivered and shook as he gave the sign For the stroke he didn't deserve;When all of a sudden his eye met mine, And it seemed to brace his nerve;For he nodded his head and kissed his hand, And he whistled an air, did he, As the sabre true Cut cleanly through His cervical vertebrae!