KO.(taking it from him reverentially).A letter from the Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank of a village!
PISH.But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin!
KO.Yes.There is no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody at once.The only question is, who shall it be?
POOH.Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you.
KO.To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute myself.
POOH.Why not?
KO.Why not? Because, in the first place, self decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a capital offence.
POOH.That is so, no doubt.
PISH.We might reserve that point.
POOH.True, it could be argued six months hence, before the full Court.
KO.Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head.
POOH.A man might try.
PISH.Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that would be something.
POOH.It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply with the Imperial will.
KO.No.Pardon me, but there I am adamant.As official Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful result.
POOH.This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
KO.My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting off his own head.
PISH.I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute ----KO.A substitute? Oh, certainly--nothing easier.(To Pooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute.
POOH.I should be delighted.Such an appointment would realize my fondest dreams.But no, at any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!
TRIO
Ko-Ko Pooh-BahPish-TushMy brain it teams I am so proud,I heard one day With endless schemes If I allowed A gentleman say Both good and new My family pride That criminals who For Titipu;To be my guide, Are cut in two But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly feel The benefitTo quit this sphere The fatal steel, That I'd diffuse Instead of youAnd so are slain The town would lose! In a minute or two, Without much pain.
Now every man But family pride If this is true, To aid his clanMust be denied, It's jolly for you;Should plot and plan And set aside,Your courage screw As best he can,And mortified.To bid us adieu, And so, And so, And go AlthoughAlthough And show I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend and foe Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you dare.
'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quite aware Did I neglect And take the line It's your affair, To thus effect Of a hero fine,Yet I declare This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your share, So I object-- I must decline-- But I don't much care--So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much care--So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much care--ALL.To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
[Exeunt Pooh.
and Pish.
KO.This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native town, am now required to die within a month, and that by a man whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Is this--- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away, sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?
NANK.Oh, go on--don't mind me.
KO.What are you going to do with that rope?
NANK.I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence.
KO.Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?
NANK.Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
KO.Nonsense, sir.I won't permit it.I am a humane man, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest.Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard.
NANK.That's absurd.If you attempt to raise an alarm, Iinstantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
KO.No, no, don't do that.This is horrible! (Suddenly.)Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are committing a crime which--which--which is----Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!
NANK.What's the matter?
KO.Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
NANK.Absolutely!
KO.Will nothing shake your resolution?
NANK.Nothing.
KO.Threats, entreaties, prayers--all useless?
NANK.All! My mind is made up.
KO.Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination--don't spoil yourself by committing suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public Executioner!
NANK.I don't see how that would benefit me.
KO.You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense.When the day comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial--you'll be the central figure--no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction.There'll be a procession--bands--dead march--bells tolling--all the girls in tears--Yum-Yum distracted--then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in the evening.You won't see them, but they'll be there all the same.
NANK.Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my death?
KO.I am convinced of it.Bless you, she's the most tender-hearted little creature alive.
NANK.I should be sorry to cause her pain.Perhaps, after all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.