RUD.Yes.You see, all the houses that give on the Market-place belong to me, but the drains (which date back to the reign of Charlemagne) want attending to, and the houses wouldn't let--so, with a view to increasing the value of the property, Idecreed that all love-episodes between affectionate couples should take place, in public, on this spot, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, when the band doesn't play.
BAR.Bless me, what a happy idea! So moral too! And have you found it answer?
RUD.Answer? The rents have gone up fifty per cent, and the sale of opera-glasses (which is a Grand Ducal monopoly) has received an extraordinary stimulus! So, under the circumstances, would you allow me to put my arm round your waist? As a source of income.Just once!
BAR.But it's so very embarrassing.Think of the opera-glasses!
RUD.My good girl, that's just what I am thinking of.
Hang it all, we must give them something for their money! What's that?
BAR.(unfolding paper, which contains a large letter, which she hands to him).It's a letter which your detective asked me to hand to you.I wrapped it up in yesterday's paper to keep it clean.
RUD.Oh, it's only his report! That'll keep.But, I say, you've never been and bought a newspaper?
BAR.My dear Rudolph, do you think I'm mad? It came wrapped round my breakfast.
RUD.(relieved).I thought you were not the sort of girl to go and buy a newspaper! Well, as we've got it, we may as well read it.What does it say?
BAR.Why--dear me--here's your biography! "Our Detested Despot!"RUD.Yes--I fancy that refers to me.
BAR.And it says--Oh, it can't be!
RUD.What can't be?
BAR.Why, it says that although you're going to marry me to-morrow, you were betrothed in infancy to the Princess of Monte Carlo!
RUD.Oh yes--that's quite right.Didn't I mention it?
BAR.Mention it! You never said a word about it!
RUD.Well, it doesn't matter, because, you see, it's practically off.
BAR.Practically off?
RUD.Yes.By the terms of the contract the betrothal is void unless the Princess marries before she is of age.Now, her father, the Prince, is stony-broke, and hasn't left his house for years for fear of arrest.Over and over again he has implored me to come to him to be married-but in vain.Over and over again he has implored me to advance him the money to enable the Princess to come to me--but in vain.I am very young, but not as young as that; and as the Princess comes of age at two tomorrow, why at two to-morrow I'm a free man, so I appointed that hour for our wedding, as I shall like to have as much marriage as I can get for my money.
BAR.I see.Of course, if the married state is a happy state, it's a pity to waste any of it.
RUD.Why, every hour we delayed I should lose a lot of you and you'd lose a lot of me!
BAR.My thoughtful darling! Oh, Rudolph, we ought to be very happy!
RUD.If I'm not, it'll be my first bad investment.Still, there is such a thing as a slump even in Matrimonials.
BAR.I often picture us in the long, cold, dark December evenings, sitting close to each other and singing impassioned duets to keep us warm, and thinking of all the lovely things we could afford to buy if we chose, and, at the same time, planning out our lives in a spirit of the most rigid and exacting economy!
RUD.It's a most beautiful and touching picture of connubial bliss in its highest and most rarefied development!
DUET--BARONESS and RUDOLPH.
BAR.As o'er our penny roll we sing, It is not reprehensive To think what joys our wealth would bring Were we disposed to do the thing Upon a scale extensive.
There's rich mock-turtle--thick and clear--RUD.(confidentially).Perhaps we'll have it once a year!
BAR.(delighted).You are an open-handed dear!
RUD.Though, mind you, it's expensive.
BAR.No doubt it is expensive.
BOTH.How fleeting are the glutton's joys!
With fish and fowl he lightly toys,RUD.And pays for such expensive tricks Sometimes as much as two-and-six!
BAR.As two-and-six?
RUD.As two-and-six--
BOTH.Sometimes as much as two-and-six!
BAR.It gives him no advantage, mind--For you and he have only dined, And you remain when once it's down A better man by half-a-crown.
RUD.By half-a-crown?
BAR.By half-a-crown.
BOTH.Yes, two-and-six is half-a-crown.
Then let us be modestly merry, And rejoice with a derry down derry.
For to laugh and to sing No extravagance bring--It's a joy economical, very!
BAR.Although as you're of course aware (I never tried to hide it)I moisten my insipid fare With water--which I can't abear--RUD.Nor I--I can't abide it.
BAR.This pleasing fact our souls will cheer, With fifty thousand pounds a year We could indulge in table beer!
RUD.Get out!
BAR.We could--I've tried it!
RUD.Yes, yes, of course you've tried it!
BOTH.Oh, he who has an income clear Of fifty thousand pounds a year--BAR.Can purchase all his fancy loves Conspicuous hats--RUD.Two shilling gloves--BAR.(doubtfully).Two-shilling gloves?
RUD.(positively).Two-shilling gloves--BOTH.Yes, think of that, two-shilling gloves!
BAR.Cheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue, And Waterbury watches, too--And think that he could buy the lot Were he a donkey--RUD.Which he's not!
BAR.Oh no, he's not!
RUD.Oh no, he's not!
BOTH (dancing).
That kind of donkey he is not!
Then let us be modestly merry, And rejoice with a derry down derry.
For to laugh and to sing Is a rational thing-It's a joy economical, very!
[Exit BARONESS.
RUD.Oh, now for my detective's report.(Opens letter.)What's this! Another conspiracy! A conspiracy to depose me!
And my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at the notion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he was physically unable to arrest the malefactor! Why, it'll come off! This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of the ridiculous! For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen.And the plot is to explode to-morrow! My wedding day! Oh, Caroline, Caroline! (Weeps.) This is perfectly frightful!