Each a little bit afraid is.
Youth advances, At his glances To their danger they awaken;They repel him As they tell him He is very much mistaken.
Though they speak to him politely, Please observe they're sneering slightly, Just to show he's acting vainly.
This is Virtue saying plainly "Go away, young bachelor, We are not what you take us for!"When addressed impertinently, English ladies answer gently, "Go away, young bachelor, We are not what you take us for!"As he gazes, Hat he raises, Enters into conversation.
Makes excuses--
This produces Interesting agitation.
He, with daring, Undespairing, Give his card--his rank discloses Little heeding This proceeding, They turn up their little noses.
Pray observe this lesson vital--
When a man of rank and title His position first discloses, Always cock your little noses.
When at home, let all the class Try this in the looking glass.
English girls of well bred notions, Shun all unrehearsed emotions.
English girls of highest class Practice them before the glass.
His intentions Then he mentions.
Something definite to go on--
Makes recitals Of his titles, Hints at settlements, and so on.
Smiling sweetly, They, discreetly, Ask for further evidences:
Thus invited, He, delighted, Gives the usual references:
This is business.Each is fluttered When the offer's fairly uttered.
"Which of them has his affection?"
He declines to make selection.
Do they quarrel for his dross?
Not a bit of it--they toss!
Please observe this cogent moral--
English ladies never quarrel.
When a doubt they come across, English ladies always toss.
RECITATIVE -- Lady SophyThe lecture's ended.In ten minute's space 'Twill be repeated in the market-place!
(Exit Lady Sophy, followed by Nekaya and Kalyba.)Chorus:Quaff the nectar--cull the roses--Bashful girls will soon be plenty!
Maid who thus at fifteen poses Ought to be divine at twenty!
(Exeunt all but KING.)
King: I requested Scaphio and Phantis to be so good as to favor me with an audience this morning.(Enter SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.)Oh, here they are!
Scaphio: Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe.
You--you needn't keep your crown on, on our account, you know.
King: I beg your pardon.(Removes it.) I always forget that!
Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear one of his own crowns in the presence of two of his own subjects.
Phantis: Yes--bizarre, is it not?
King: Most quaint.But then it's a quaint world.
Phantis: Teems with quiet fun.I often think what a lucky thing it is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humor!
King: Do you know, I find it invaluable.Do what I will, Icannot help looking at the humorous side of things--for, properly considered, everything has its humorous side--even the Palace Peeper (producing it).See here--"Another Royal Scandal," by Junius Junior."How long is this to last?"by Senex Senior."Ribald Royalty," by Mercury Major.
"Where is the Public Exploder?" by Mephistopheles Minor.When Ireflect that all these outrageous attacks on my morality are written by me, at your command--well, it's one of the funni-est things that have come within the scope of my experience.
Scaphio: Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humor of their own which is simply irresistible.
King: (gratified) Not bad, I think.Biting, trenchant sarcasm--the rapier, not the bludgeon--that's my line.
But then it's so easy--I'm such a good subject--a bad King but a good Subject--ha! ha!--a capital heading for next week's leading article! (makes a note) And then the stinging little paragraphs about our Royal goings-on with our Royal Second Housemaid--delicately sub-acid, are they not?
Scaphio: My dear King, in that kind of thing no one can hold a candle to you.
Phantis: But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've written for us--"King Tuppence, or A Good Deal Less than Half a Sover-eign"--in which the celebrated English tenor, Mr.
Wilkinson, burlesques your personal appearance and gives grotesque imitations of your Royal peculiarities.It's immense!
King: Ye--es--That's what I wanted to speak to you about.Now I've not the least doubt but that even that has its humorous side too--if one could only see it.As a rule I'm pretty quick at detecting latent humor--but I confess I do not quite see where it comes in, in this particular instance.
It's so horribly personal!
Scaphio: Personal? Yes, of course it's personal--but consider the antithetical humor of the situation.
King: Yes.I--I don't think I've quite grasped that.
Scaphio: No? You surprise me.Why, consider.During the day thou-sands tremble at your frown, during the night (from 8 to 11)thousands roar at it.During the day your most arbitrary pronouncements are received by your subjects with abject submission--during the night, they shout with joy at your most terrible decrees.It's not every monarch who enjoys the privilege of undoing by night all the despotic absurdi-ties he's committed during the day.
King: Of course! Now I see it! Thank you very much.I was sure it had its humorous side, and it was very dull of me not to have seen it before.But, as I said just now, it's a quaint world.
Phantis: Teems with quiet fun.
King: Yes.Properly considered, what a farce life is, to be sure!
SONG -- King.
First you're born--and I'll be bound you Find a dozen strangers round you.
"Hallo," cries the new-born baby, "Where's my parents? which may they be?"Awkward silence--no reply--Puzzled baby wonders why!
Father rises, bows politely--
Mother smiles (but not too brightly)--
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing--
Nurse is busy mixing something.--
Every symptom tends to show You're decidedly de trop--All:Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!
Time's teetotum, If you spin it, Gives it quotum Once a minute.
I'll go bail You hit the nail, And if you fail, The deuce is in it!
King: You grow up and you discover What it is to be a lover.
Some young lady is selected--
Poor, perhaps, but well-connected.
Whom you hail (for Love is blind)
As the Queen of fairy kind.