PRETT.Why did the gods make him a manager?
THES.No--no--what are you talking about? What do you mean?
DAPH.I've got it--no don't tell us.
ALL.No--no--because--becauseTHES.[annoyed] It isn't a conundrum.It's misanthropical question.
DAPH.[Who is sitting with Spar.to the annoyance of Nice.who is crying alone] I'm sure I don't know.We do not want you.Don't distress yourself on our account--we are getting on very comfortably--aren't we Sparkeion.
SPAR.We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the claret.What are lobster and claret compared with the society of those we love? [embracing Daphne.]
DAPH.Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing.Aren't you happy dear?
NICE.[spitefully] You are quite welcome to my share of everything.I intend to console myself with the society of my manager.[takes Thespis' arm affectionately].
THES.Here I say--this won't do, you know--I can't allow it--at least before my company--besides, you are half-married to Sparkeion.Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing my influence before my company.Don't you know the story of the gentleman who undermined his influence by associating with his inferiors?
ALL.Yes, yes--we know it.
PREP.[formally] I do not know it.It's ever thus.Doomed to disappointment from my earliest years.[Stup.endeavours to console him]
THES.There--that's enough.Preposteros--you shall hear it.
I once knew a chap who discharged a function On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
He was conspicuous exceeding, For his affable ways, and his easy breeding.
Although a chairman of directions, He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors.
He tipped the guards with brand new fivers, And sang little songs to the engine drivers.
'Twas told to me with great compunction, By one who had discharged with unction A chairman of directors function On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction.
Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay.
Each Christmas day he gave each stoker A silver shovel and a golden poker.
He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sorters And rich Bath-buns for the outside porters.
He'd moun the clerks on his first-class hunters, And he build little villas for the road-side shunters, And if any were fond of pigeon shooting, He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting.
Twas told to me....etc.
In course of time there spread a rumour That he did all this from a sense of humour.
So instead of signalling and stoking, They gave themselves up to a course of joking.
Whenever they knew that he was riding, They shunted his train on a lonely siding, Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel, On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.
Twas told to me...etc.
It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling, His train through several counties whirling, Would set him down in a fit of larking, At four a.m.in the wilds of Barking.
This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it, But the general public did not like it.
The receipts fell, after a few repeatings, And he got it hot at the annual meetings.
Twas told to me...etc.
He followed out his whim with vigour, The shares went down to a nominal figure.
These are the sad results proceeding From his affable ways and his easy breeding.
The line, with its rais and guards and peelers, Was sold for a song to marine store dealers The shareholders are all in the work'us, And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.
Twas told to me...etc.
It's very hard.As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition.
As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that my influence may not be deteriorated.As a man I am inclined to fraternize with the pauper--as a manager I am compelled to walk around like this: Don't know yah.Don't know yah.Don't know yah.
[Strides haughtily about the stage.Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, in full Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns.
Thespians scream.]
JUP, MARS, AP.Presumptuous mortal.
THES.Don't know ya.Don't know yah.
JUP, MARS, AP.[seated on broken pillars] Presumptuous mortal.
THES.I do not know you.I do not know you.
JUP, MARS, AP.Presumptuous mortal.
THES.Remove this person.
[Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars]
JUP.Stop, you evidently don't know me.Allow me to offer you my card.[Throws flash paper]
THES.Ah yes, it's very pretty, but we don't want any at present.
When we do our Christmas piece, I'll let you know.[Changing his manner] Look here, you know this is a private party and we haven't the pleasure of your acquaintance.There are a good many other mountains about, if you must have a mountain all to yourself.Don't make me let myself down before my company.
[Resuming] Don't know yah, Don't know yah.
JUP.I am Jupiter, the king of the gods.This is Apollo.This is Mars.[All kneel to them except Thespis]
THES.Oh.Then as I'm a respectable man, and rather particular about the company I keep, I think I'll go.
JUP.No--no--stop a bit.We want to consult you on a matter of great importance.There.Now we are alone.Who are you?
THES.I am Thespis of the Thessalian Theatres.
JUP.The very man we want.Now as a judge of what the public likes are you impressed with my appearance as father of the gods?
THES.Well to be candid with you, I am not.In fact I'm disappointed.
JUP.Disappointed?
THES.Yes, you see you're so much out of repair.No, you don't come up to my idea of the part.Bless you, I've played you often.
JUP.You have.
THES.To be sure I have.
JUP.And how have you dressed the part.
THES.Fine commanding party in the prime of life.Thunderbolt--full beard--dignified manner--a good eal of this sort of thin "Don't know ya.Don't know yah.Don't know yah.
JUP.[much affected] I--I'm very much obliged to you.It's very good of you.I--I--I used to be like that.I can't tell you how much I feel it.And do you find I'm an impressive character to play?
THES.Well no, I can't say you are.In fact we don't you you much out of burlesque.
JUP.Burlesque!
THES.Yes, it's a painful subject, drop it, drop it.The fact is, you are not the gods you were--you're behind your age.