Oh, it is cruel to leave me so long alone! He knows I have no one but Rachel to speak to, for we have no neighbours here, except the Hargraves, whose residence I can dimly descry from these upper windows embosomed among those low, woody hills beyond the dale. I was glad when I learnt that Milicent was so near us; and her company would be a soothing solace to me now, but she is still in town with her mother: there is no one at the Grove but little Esther and her French governess, for Walter is always away, I saw that paragon of manly perfections in London: he seemed scarcely to merit the eulogiums of his mother and sister, though he certainly appeared more conversable and agreeable than Lord Lowborough, more candid and high-minded than Mr Grimsby, and more polished and gentlemanly than Mr Hattersley, Arthur's only other friend whom he judged fit to introduce to me--Oh, Arthur, why won't you come! why won't you write to me at least!
You talked about my health--how can you expect me to gather bloom and vigour here, pining in solitude and restless anxiety from day to day?--It would serve you right to come back and find my good looks entirely wasted away.
I would beg my uncle and aunt, or my brother, to come and see me, but I do not like to complain of my loneliness to them,--and indeed, loneliness is the least of my sufferings; but what is he doing?--what is it that keeps him away? It is this ever-recurring question and the horrible suggestions it raises that distract me.
July 3rd.--My last bitter letter has wrung from him an answer at last,--and a rather longer one than usual; but still, I don't know what to make of it, He playfully abuses me for the gall and vinegar of my latest effusion, tells me I can have no conception of the multitudinous engagements that keep him away, but avers that, in spite of them all, he will assuredly be with me before the close of next week; though it is impossible for a man, so circumstanced as he is, to fix the precise day of his return: meantime, he exhorts me to the exercise of patience, `that first of woman's virtues,' and desires me to remember the saying, `Absence makes the heart grow fonder,' and comfort myself with the assurance that the longer he stays away, the better he shall love me when he red and till he does return, he begs I will continue to write to him constantly, for, though he is sometimes too idle and often too busy to answer my letters as they come, he likes to receive them daily, and if I fulfil my threat of punishing his seeming neglect by ceasing to write, he shall be so angry that he will do his utmost to forget me. He adds this piece of intelligence respecting poor Milicent Hargrave:--`Your little friend Milicent is likely, before long, to follow your example, and take upon her the yoke of matrimony in con junction with a friend of mine. Hattersley, you know, has not yet fulfilled his direful threat of throwing his precious person away on the first old maid that chose to evince a tenderness for him; but he still preserves a resolute determination to see himself a married man before the year is out: "Only," said he to me, "I must have somebody that will let me have my own way in everything--not like your wife, Huntingdon; she is a charming creature, but she looks as if she had a will of her own, and could play the vixen upon occasion." (I thought, "You're right there, man," but I didn't say so.) "I must have some good, quiet soul that will let me just do what I like and go where I like, keep at home or stay away, with out a word of reproach or complaint; for I can't do with being bothered." "Well," said I, "I know somebody that will suit you to a tee, if you don't care for money, and that's Hargrave's sister, Milicent," He desired to be introduced to her forthwith, for he said he had plenty of the needful himself--or should have, when his old governor chose to quit the stage. So you see, Helen, I have managed pretty well, both for your friend and mine.'
Poor Milicent! But I cannot imagine she will ever be led to accept such a suitor--one so repugnant to all her ideas of a man to be honoured and loved.
5th.--Alas! I was mistaken, I have got a long letter from her this mornIng, telling me she is already engaged, and expects to be married before the close of the month.
`I hardly know what to say about it,' she writes, `or what to think. To tell you the truth, Helen, I don't like the thought of it at all. If I am to be Mr Hattersley's wife, I must try to love him; and I do try with all my might; but I have made very little progress yet; and the worst symptom of the case is, that the further he is from me the better like him: he frightens me with his abrupt manners and strange hectoring ways, and I dread the thought of marrying him. "Then why have you accepted him?" you will ask; and I didn't know I had accepted him; but mamma tells me I have, and he seems to think so too. I certainly didn't mean to do so; but I did not like to give him a flat refusal for fear mamma should be grieved and angry (for I knew she wished me to marry him), and I wanted to talk to her first about it, so I gave him what I thought was an evasive, half negative answer; but she says it was as good as an acceptance, and he would think me very capricious if I were to attempt to draw back--and indeed, I was so confused and frightened at the moment, I can hardly tell what I said. And next time I saw him, he accosted me in all confidence as his aced bride, and immediately began to settle matters with mamma.