NOW that I was left wholly to myself, I gave notice of my intention to quit the chambers in the Temple as soon as my tenancy could legally determine, and in the meanwhile to underlet them. At once I put bills up in the windows; for, I was in debt, and had scarcely any money, and began to be seriously alarmed by the state of my affairs. I ought rather to write that I should have been alarmed if I had energy and concentration enough to help me to the clear perception of any truth beyond the fact that Iwas falling very ill. The late stress upon me had enabled me to put off illness, but not to put it away; I knew that it was coming on me now, and I knew very little else, and was even careless as to that.
For a day or two, I lay on the sofa, or on the floor - anywhere, according as I happened to sink down - with a heavy head and aching limbs, and no purpose, and no power. Then there came one night which appeared of great duration, and which teemed with anxiety and horror; and when in the morning I tried to sit up in my bed and think of it, I found I could not do so.
Whether I really had been down in Garden-court in the dead of the night, groping about for the boat that I supposed to be there; whether I had two or three times come to myself on the staircase with great terror, not knowing how I had got out of bed; whether I had found myself lighting the lamp, possessed by the idea that he was coming up the stairs, and that the lights were blown out; whether I had been inexpressibly harassed by the distracted talking, laughing, and groaning, of some one, and had half suspected those sounds to be of my own making; whether there had been a closed iron furnace in a dark corner of the room, and a voice had called out over and over again that Miss Havisham was consuming within it; these were things that I tried to settle with myself and get into some order, as I lay that morning on my bed. But, the vapour of a limekiln would come between me and them, disordering them all, and it was through the vapour at last that I saw two men looking at me.
`What do you want?' I asked, starting; `I don't know you.'
`Well, sir,' returned one of them, bending down and touching me on the shoulder, `this is a matter that you'll soon arrange, I dare say, but you're arrested.'
`What is the debt?'
`Hundred and twenty-three pound, fifteen, six. Jeweller's account, Ithink.'
`What is to be done?'
`You had better come to my house,' said the man. `I keep a very nice house.'
I made some attempt to get up and dress myself. When I next attended to them, they were standing a little off from the bed, looking at me. Istill lay there.
`You see my state,' said I. `I would come with you if I could; but indeed I am quite unable. If you take me from here, I think I shall die by the way.'
Perhaps they replied, or argued the point, or tried to encourage me to believe that I was better than I thought. Forasmuch as they hang in my memory by only this one slender thread, I don't know what they did, except that they forbore to remove me.
That I had a fever and was avoided, that I suffered greatly, that Ioften lost my reason, that the time seemed interminable, that I confounded impossible existences with my own identity; that I was a brick in the house wall, and yet entreating to be released from the giddy place where the builders had set me; that I was a steel beam of a vast engine, clashing and whirling over a gulf, and yet that I implored in my own person to have the engine stopped, and my part in it hammered off; that I passed through these phases of disease, I know of my own remembrance, and did in some sort know at the time. That I sometimes struggled with real people, in the belief that they were murderers, and that I would all at once comprehend that they meant to do me good, and would then sink exhausted in their arms, and suffer them to lay me down, I also knew at the time. But, above all, I knew that there was constant tendency in all these people - who, when I was very ill, would present all kinds of extraordinary transformations of the human face, and would be much dilated in size - above all, I say, I knew that there was an extraordinary tendency in all these people, sooner or later to settle down into the likeness of Joe.
After I had turned the worst point of my illness, I began to notice that while all its other features changed, this one consistent feature did not change. Whoever came about me, still settled down into Joe. I opened my eyes in the night, and I saw in the great chair at the bedside, Joe.
I opened my eyes in the day, and, sitting on the window-seat, smoking his pipe in the shaded open window, still I saw Joe. I asked for cooling drink, and the dear hand that gave it me was Joe's. I sank back on my pillow after drinking, and the face that looked so hopefully and tenderly upon me was the face of Joe.
At last, one day, I took courage, and said, ` Is it Joe?'
And the dear old home-voice answered, `Which it air, old chap.'
`O Joe, you break my heart! Look angry at me, Joe. Strike me, Joe. Tell me of my ingratitude. Don't be so good to me!'
For, Joe had actually laid his head down on the pillow at my side and put his arm round my neck, in his joy that I knew him.
`Which dear old Pip, old chap,' said Joe, `you and me was ever friends.
And when you're well enough to go out for a ride - what larks!'
After which, Joe withdrew to the window, and stood with his back towards me, wiping his eyes. And as my extreme weakness prevented me from getting up and going to him, I lay there, penitently whispering, `O God bless him!
O God bless this gentle Christian man!'
Joe's eyes were red when I next found him beside me; but, I was holding his hand, and we both felt happy.
`How long, dear Joe?'
`Which you meantersay, Pip, how long have your illness lasted, dear old chap?'
`Yes, Joe.'
`It's the end of May, Pip. To-morrow is the first of June.'
`And have you been here all the time, dear Joe?'